Breaking the Habit

“Before the invention of steam power, boat captains had an ingenious way of defeating the wickedly strong current of the Mississippi River. A boat going upriver would pull alongside a boat about to head downriver, and after wrapping a rope around a tree or a rock, the boats would tie themselves to each other. The second boat would let go and let the river take it downstream, slingshotting the other vessel upstream.” –Ryan Holiday

The fifth and final single from Linkin Park’s Meteora was “Breaking the Habit.” And it was a hit, reaching number one on the Billboard Modern Rock Tracks chart. It was the fifth consecutive single from the album to do so, a feat not seen by any other rock band. It also reached number one on the Mainstream Rock Tracks chart, and has been a fan favourite ever since.

“Breaking the Habit” was different to Linkin Park’s typical sound at the time. While the remainder of Meteora‘s tracks were very much aligned with their signature nu metal/rap rock sound, this one stood out. Featuring undistorted guitars, strings, and electronics, there was no rapping from the band’s emcee, Mike Shinoda. It could be interpreted as a taste of things to come, as Linkin Park would depart from the nu metal sound entirely on later albums, in favour of a more rounded rock sound. It was a risk, for sure. But very incredible to hear. Like Korn’s “Alone I Break,” which is one of my favourite songs ever, we have a band overstepping boundaries to create something timeless.

The music video was animated by Studio Gonzo and directed by DJ Joseph Hahn, featuring a rotoscoped band performing, while different scenes show different characters playing out their stories. Police investigating a dead man on the roof of a car; a girl cutting her hand, writing on a note; a woman throwing tomatoes at a man; and a couple in bed. There’s a lot going on. Towards the end, the man on the car comes to life, falling in reverse, and joins the band, revealing himself to be vocalist Chester Bennington.

There has been a lot of conjecture about the lyrics, and what they signify. Is it about self-harm? Could it be inspired by the stories of fans? It’s not uncommon for bands to meet with fans, and the fans to let everything out, usually punctuated with “Your music saved my life!” Which would be flattering, but at the same time, I’m not sure an artist would want that on their shoulders. For the longest time, fans thought that Bennington wrote the song about drug addiction. Indeed, there was an entire narrative that the band struggled with the song for years, because the subject matter felt very raw to the singer. Understandable, we all nodded. But more recently, details would emerge of Shinoda writing early versions of the track, prior to Bennington’s recruitment. Originally intended as an instrumental, the band — Brad Delson (guitar), Rob Bourdon (drums), Dave “Phoenix” Farrell (bass), Hahn, and Bennington — convinced Shinoda to expand and provide some lyrics.

A demo with Shinoda on vocals can be found on the 20th anniversary deluxe box set of Meteora. His version is raw, with lyrics not quite the same as the final version, with a chorus in the second-person, while Bennington’s version is in first-person. The booklet has a paragraph dedicated to how each song came about. In the case of “Breaking the Habit”:

“Mike had been trying to write a song around this lyrical idea for over five years. He tried this theme a number of times, but nothing seemed to do the song justice. Meanwhile, during the process of putting together the album, Mike began working on an interlude, crossing a digitally manipulated beat with strings and piano. Unexpectedly, Brad and Joe suggested that Mike turn the two-minute interlude into a full song. Tentatively titled ‘Drawing,’ the piece was extended to three minutes and 16 seconds when Mike took it home to write lyrics. In less than two hours, the lyrics that he had been trying to put together for years fell into place. With some finishing touches, live piano and live strings, the song was finally complete–six years in the making.”

Six years. At some point during the process, Shinoda presented the song to Bennington, who would sing on the final version. Whatever emotion Shinoda is referring to isn’t specified, but it resonated with Bennington enough that he made the song his own. That’s kind of what’s cool about music: It is what you make of it; the lyrics can be your own.

The chorus goes:

“I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I know it’s not alright
So, I’m breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit tonight.”

Which could very well be about addiction. Maybe Shinoda wrote the song about his bandmate? Bennington certainly knew what it was like, and his history of drug and alcohol abuse has been well documented. From his adolescence, until his untimely death in 2017, he had used all kinds of substances. Uppers, downers, this and that. He has been more than forthcoming about all of this. And when you look at “Breaking the Habit” in this context, then the whole narrative of the song being about Bennington’s struggles makes a lot of sense. Because while Shinoda may have originally penned the lyrics, those lyrics meant something to Bennington, whose lyrics sometimes pertain to his struggles with addiction, and taking responsibility for his actions, as was the case with previous hits such as “Crawling.”

“It’s not cool to be an alcoholic,” he said. “It’s not cool to go drink and be a dumbass. It’s cool to be a part of recovery. This is just who I am, this is what I write about, what I do, and most of my work has been a reflection of what I’ve been going through in one way or another.”

It calls to mind something Pericles once said, “As for poverty, no one need be ashamed to admit it: the real shame is in not taking practical measures to escape from it.”

I’ll share mine: Tobacco. I kind of feel like an imposter when comparing myself to people who are dependent on actual hard drugs, but yes, my substances over the years have been nicotine, as well as caffeine. The latter is a staple in my life, which I am perfectly content with. Cigarettes, on the other hand, had to go. It was hard at first, since nicotine had a way of arranging my brain and putting my thoughts in a certain order. It had a calming effect. To say that cigarettes were a normal part of my life would be an understatement. My friends smoked, I smoked. It was like cracking a beer or having lunch — just something everyone did. Chilling at a party or at a bar? Cigarette. Going for coffee on the weekend? Cigarette. Finished work for the day? Cigarette. Bad day? Cigarette. Good day? Cigarette. And so on. I can’t say exactly what personal flaw this represents, if any, but eventually, I knew it had to end.

I ended up quitting smoking regularly, then after doing it socially for a little while, I stopped altogether. I asked myself why I wanted to smoke in the first place. Was it a social thing? Did coffee make me want to smoke, or did smoking make me want to order another coffee? Whatever the case, the urge to light up slowly but surely took over my entire social life, and I could see it getting in the way of my work. I obviously couldn’t keep up the habit. Not when my field is education, and I need to stay focused when I’m in the classroom.

Some people will tell you that quitting smoking is just as hard as alcohol or other substances, if not harder. It may seem silly, but it’s true. Malcolm X was an addict, not sleeping, and running all over the city as a hustler. He finally got clean when he converted to Islam, and cigarettes were among the vices he kicked. Prior to his conversion, he was smoking up to four packs a day. “Tobacco is just as much an addiction as any narcotic,” he asserted in his autobiography, adding that many of his fellows in the Nation of Islam found smoking harder to quit than more potent substances. A weird asymmetry, but it is what it is.

For me, cigarettes will always be that love affair that can never happen. That little ember that just keeps on burning. At times, I’ll feel like lighting up, but then I’ll remember, “Oh, that’s right. I don’t have any. Oh well.” I’ll leave it at that.

That’s my story, and how I relate to “Breaking the Habit.” I don’t feel qualified to talk about addiction beyond that, because so much of it is personal and contextual, so think of this piece as just me writing for myself, because that’s basically what it is. Bennington’s relationship to Shinoda’s lyrics was his thing, personal and contextual. What it meant to Bennington, what it means to Shinoda, to the rest of the band, or the listeners. Put a hundred Linkin Park fans together, and you’ll probably get just as many interpretations on what the song means to them.

Another quote from Holiday:

“What’s on the other side? I’ll tell you. You. You are on the other side of those struggles. A you you realise you only knew a little bit about. You learn you’re capable of more than you know.”

Cliche as it sounds, the only way to know you’re walking the path is to do it yourself.

Thank you for reading.